When your friends just don’t get it…

When my kids were very small, we had recently moved to the area, NONE of my old friends had children and in my wider family, I was the first of my generation to have a baby, so I was not around other young parents at all. It was pretty isolating and – to be completely honest – I felt very out of my depth. I’ll never forget carrying my first-born up the steps to our house, thinking “how have the hospital let me take this tiny creature home??? There must be some mistake…” the weight of responsibility felt huge.

I met my first mum-friend in the street outside my house. She had a baby the same age as my daughter and she invited me over for a coffee. What a lifeline! I had someone to talk to about nappy (diaper) rash and a fellow human who understood the crazy depths of exhaustion caused by sleepless nights with an unsettled baby. As time went on, I made more friends and started to settle into my new role.

Although what initially bonded me and my new found parent-buddies was nothing more than the common experience of making a small human at a similar point in time, over the years many of  these relationships morphed into much more than this: we have non-child related stuff in common – we laugh together – we support each other.

I’m sure you have many friendships like this… other parents who ‘get it’ and who keep you sane. But what happens when they don’t get it? Some of the families I work with talk about awesome support from family and friends when it comes to their child’s feeding problems, but not all. Many parents feel that their friends have zero understanding of what their child’s eating issues actually mean for them as a family. They may even feel judged by their friends.

 

Ever heard any of these?

“Send him to my house for a week, I’ll soon have him eating”

“I’m strict with my kids – if they don’t eat what I serve, then that’s just tough”

“Why do you just let her eat crackers? No wonder she won’t touch the salad!”

“Have you tried: [insert ALL the things that yes, you have tried, and they DIDN’T WORK]?”

“He’ll eat when he’s hungry enough”

“She’ll be better when she goes to school / daycare”

“He’ll grow out of it – it’s just a phase.”

The thing is, because eating issues exist on a spectrum ranging from developmentally normal ‘picky eating’ to disordered eating (ARFID), many people make the assumption that when they see a child who finds eating hard, that child’s experience is just the same as their child’s (probably normal) neophobia. This lack of understanding is no-one’s fault – information about complex eating problems is not common knowledge, after all. But it can leave you feeling very alone and that no-one understands.

 

What to do

There are two ways to go in this scenario. First, the ‘water off a duck’s back’ approach. You can make the decision that people don’t understand so you won’t let any ignorant or hurtful comments get to you. This is much easier when you yourself are feeling confident about how to handle your child’s eating challenges.

Alternatively, you can try and educate. This is especially important when the relationship is important to you (rather than just a casual acquaintance) or when your child frequently eats around this person, so their views may potentially impact your child.

If you decide to educate your friends, you need to think about how much you are comfortable sharing. You may want to talk in detail about any professional support you’ve accessed for your child, or you may prefer to keep these things private and just explain that your little one has complex eating problems which you are currently working on. You may take a variety of approaches, depending on each situation and individual.

 

Approaching a thorny topic with sensitivity

Pick the right moment for a chat, making sure you won’t be interrupted and you’ll have time to talk things through properly. Don’t wait for your friend to make another comment before you broach the subject. You are much more likely to be feeling emotional and they are more likely to react defensively.

A great way to have a tricky conversation with a friend is to own what you are saying. What I mean by this is, talk in “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. So, rather than “You are really judgmental” you might say “I feel really judged”.

Explain what you find hard, then explain what you need. Some parents find it helps to be very direct at this point, and ask for some super specific things:

• Please don’t comment on my child’s eating
• Please understand that this is not just the kind of normal fussiness you may be familiar with
• Please respect my decisions about how I feed my child
• Please don’t offer me advice about my child’s eating

You could even send them this article!

It’s not your friend’s fault if they don’t understand your child’s relationship with food, but if they can’t be respectful of your feelings and needs, then they are not a good person to have in your life. Equally, it’s not fair to expect our friends to get it when we haven’t explained! They are not psychic. Say how you feel, say what you need and a true friend will listen and support you.

By the way, if you want to feel the total opposite of judged or isolated, head on over to Parenting Picky Eaters on Facebook – our group of more than 7000 parents who certainly do get it 💗