Beyond reason: why rational arguments do not support children’s eating

You are rational – I am rational (please don’t ask my husband and kids to verify this). We make the odd ‘heart over head’ decision and it’s great to listen to intuition too, but largely, as adults, we make most of our judgments on the basis of reasoning.

What will I cook for dinner? I’ll think about what I have in fridge, what we ate yesterday and the kind of foods we like to eat. I’ll think about the time I have. I’ll come to a logical conclusion and go for something that I think will work. Maybe I’ve thought ahead, and planned the week’s menu in advance.

What will I do at the weekend? If I enjoyed a walk in the woods last month, I might reasonably decide to do that again this month. What if bad weather is forecast? I might make the reasonable decision to take a rain check. All of this uses my ability to think rationally.

Children’s reasoning skills develop throughout childhood – My six year old can explain pretty eloquently why going to the park is the ONLY logical course of action, or why she’s decided on the blue trousers and not the red dress. It can all give the impression that this burgeoning understanding of the world – of cause and effect – means that her world-view is reason driven.

This is where the clash happens. Children are learning reasoning skills but their decisions are not based on reasoning in the same way as adults’. They are very much in the moment. They inhabit the present in a really lovely way. Reason is often about looking backwards and looking forwards, but children are busy in the now. Kids are born mindful!

When we are faced with feeding challenges, it can be the apparent ‘unreasonableness’ of a child’s eating behaviours that is hardest to bear. But I want to talk about how we can support kids by engaging with the lived experience of the child rather than the logic of the situation.

 

Here are five ways we appeal to reason and risk missing the child:

1. But you should be able to eat that, you used to like it
2. But this pasta tastes the same as the other pasta, it’s just a different shape
3. But you asked for sausages – why won’t you eat them?
4. But if you don’t eat that, you’ll be hungry!
5. But if you don’t eat your apple, you won’t have the vitamins you need to be healthy

Look at all those ‘buts’  – each one negates the child’s experience.

Let’s flip this and see each scenario from the child’s perspective:

1. I am finding it harder and harder to eat the foods I used to eat and I don’t know why
2. This pasta is NOT what I was expecting and I’m confused and worried
3. I thought I could be brave and manage a sausage, but now I can see it and smell it, I feel sick
4. Being hungry LATER matters way less than how I feel about eating that NOW
5. And I care about vitamins…why? That apple slice looks gross and I’m afraid of putting it in my mouth

If we try to discuss with children why they should eat or try something and how their take on the situation is wrong or unreasonable, this is a type of pressure. We have lots of research evidence that pressure makes children’s relationship with food worse. It also introduces conflict into the mealtime – another thing research tells us has a negative impact on eating.  It sets the meal off on a combative footing which can be really hard to come back from.

Instead, take a responsive approach to feeding – tune in to what your child is experiencing and hear what they are trying to tell you, even if it makes zero sense to you and seems totally irrational. By concentrating on validating their world view rather than imposing your adult take on things, you may find yourself feeling less frustrated because your insight into their behaviour will be greater.