Building your feeding mantra

Originating in Hindu and Buddhist religious practice, mantras are simple phrases or words which you can repeat in order to help you stay calm. This may sound kind of far out, but there is a lot to this ancient practice. Research is beginning to reveal how repeating a mantra can aid our emotional state; feeding is an incredibly emotional business and mantras, mindfulness and other meditative practices have a big role to play. Let me explain:

I am really passionate about teaching parents how to approach feeding children who are anxious eaters. Whether it is through my new membership site, my online course, my video sessions with parents or via my blog posts, I talk a lot about the ‘how’ and the ‘why’ of feeding. I’ve been doing this work for many years now and I have noticed a bit of a paradox inherent in the changes I ask parents to make. My clients and students really want to make a change – they are some of the most committed and dedicated parents I have ever met. However, sometimes, they feel blocked.  It is much harder to do things differently than to carry on doing things in the same way.

Maria’s story

Maria’s son* often asked for a drink of milk and a cookie at bedtime if he had rejected the evening meal. He was hungry and Maria felt horrible about this. She felt good knowing that he was going to sleep with a full stomach. Working with a dietitian, I recommended that Maria drop this evening snack. I taught her that as long as she was always including accepted foods as as part of her son’s evening meal, it was okay to just respect his eating decisions and not provide an alternative.

Now – the advice I give is not the same for every family and there are lots of factors to consider, especially in terms of what is contributing to the avoidant eating in the first place. But let’s just assume that for Maria’s son, this was what he needed. Maria struggled to implement the change because it felt bad. It felt bad because Maria loved her son and was a nurturing and kind person. The very things that make Maria special were blocking her progress with feeding.

To support mothers (and fathers) like Maria, I developed a four-step mantra building process which actively helps parents feel positive about doing things differently. I am sharing it here in case it is useful for you – whether you are a parent trying to make a change, or a professional working with parents of ‘picky eaters’. This exercise requires a pen and paper and a quiet moment.

Acknowledge

You need to recognise the negative feeling and name it. For Maria, she might say: “I feel like a bad mother when my child is telling me he is hungry and I don’t give him what he wants”. Write down all of the statements that apply to your feelings in a situation where you found it hard to implement positive feeding practices.

Flip

Take each of the statements you have noted down and re-write them the opposite way round. This helps you better understand what makes you feel good and therefore what your needs are. Maria could write: “When my child eats the food I provide, I feel like a good mother”. Often these needs are very much short term – we need to switch the focus to long term goals.

Articulate your long term goals

Write down all the things you are hoping to achieve in relation to your child’s eating. This is easier if you are already working with a professional because a really important part of feeling good about your mealtime parenting is feeling confident that the strategies you are using are appropriate.

Devise your mantra

Create your own, personal mantra which will help you stay focused on these long term goals and feel great about that, even when it feels difficult.

Begin your mantra with some of the aspects of the sentences you flipped – so Maria could write: ‘I feel like a good mother when…’  then add in a long term goal: ‘… I work on the tricky power dynamic we are dealing with’.

Some inspiration…

I love my child so I stay consistent

I am a strong and confident parent

You could even get more abstract and develop a mantra that speaks to the bigger picture

The right path is not always the easiest

What I do today is building tomorrow

Or come up with a single word that encapsulates what you want to say

Use your mantra whenever you feel that you know how to respond to your child’s eating, but it feels hard. Or when you are wavering and too tired or stressed to be consistent. Just silently repeat your word or phrase, calm your mind and be the resilient parent you know you are.

 

 

* The vignette describing Maria and her son draws on my professional experience but is fictional.