The WORST advice on ‘picky eating’
When it comes to parenting, this weird thing happens where people feel entitled to offer opinions and advice. It starts with pregnancy. I remember being kind of horrified when I was expecting my first child and total strangers would come up to me, pat my belly and tell me I was ‘carrying high’. Ummmm, okay.
Everyone and his dog has pearls of wisdom to offer parents of children who are not confident eaters. Of course, sometimes the advice is great and other times, not so much. I asked members of our facebook group to share the best and the worst feeding tips they had been given. This week, I’m kicking off with a compendium of the bad advice. I’ll be sharing the good advice next week, so don’t despair…
They will eat when they are hungry
No they won’t. Not if they are genuinely anxious eaters. And not if an accepted food has not been provided for them. I have written about this before, but suffice to say, if a child who only eats a limited range of foods is faced with a plate of something new, they will go hungry rather than attempt it. The mistake behind this advice is the assumption that food rejection is a choice. If I put a plate of rotten fish in front of you, could you eat it if you were hungry enough?
They will eat school dinners once they see their friends eating
No again. Communal meals can have a positive influence over how children eat – this is one of the reasons why family dinners are so important. BUT regardless of the cause of the eating issues, a child’s anxiety will overcome that social influence, unless their eating challenges are at the very mild end of the spectrum. It is important to understand that for many children, the school cafeteria or dining hall is a really difficult place to eat. All those sights, smells and sounds coupled with a potentially rushed and socially stressful atmosphere, makes eating harder not easier.
Make them sit there until they have eaten it
Using pressure like this – using your power as an adult, over a child – will make eating worse. It will contribute to negative associations with mealtimes, so children will learn to dread meals and fear eating. It will erode the trust between the parent and the child. It will increase the child’s needs to stick to a limited range of foods. This is not just my opinion. Research tells us that using pressure to get kids to eat has a detrimental effect on their relationship with food.
If they don’t eat it, just put it in the fridge and bring it out at the next meal
I have given an in depth-explanation of why this is a bad idea in another post, but basically, re-presenting food may be experienced as a punishment by the child. It can become a type of pressure (see above) and it doesn’t respect the child’s autonomy or their right to make their own eating decisions. Always providing an accepted food (at every meal and snack) is a big part of building trust: your child’s trust in you and your child’s trust in their ability to sit down to a meal and find something they can handle. If they are worrying about whether or not there will be something available that they can eat, this in itself is enough to jeopardise the development of their eating confidence. A worried kid is not an adventurous kid.
They will grow out of it
This is an interesting one because research tells us that two thirds of children who are described as ‘picky eaters’ in toddlerhood, have grown out of it by the time they are six years old. See this article for more details. So why am I including this in my bad advice list? Well, to say “they will grow out of it” risks dismissing the parent’s experience; to ignore their genuine distress and concern. It may also be untrue for those children at the severe end of the spectrum who require professional help to work on their eating. Without a crystal ball, the person giving this advice cannot know whether the child in front of them will be one of the third who do not grow out of their eating problems. Finally, even those families where the child’s ‘picky eating’ could be described as developmentally normal, benefit from good quality advice and guidance. If a parent is saying there is a problem, we should listen. Early intervention with developmentally normal picky eating can avoid a whole world of stress. Early intervention with severe cases can be life-changing.
I’d love to hear your thoughts… do you agree? Do you disagree? Is there any advice I have missed that you think should have made the top five?
Nail on the head!! Should make this into a postcard to hand out next time I receive this advice.
Thanks Amanda. Love the idea of a postcard to whip out in times of need!!!
I second a post card for this. I wish people would just stop. It’s so anxiety producing for my son as well as myself.
Yes it’s really tough Cindy, especially when comments are made in front of your child!!!!
Great article Jo!
Thanks Simone 🙂
Thank you for this post. I have a 5 year old that fits in the severe end of picky eaters; I repeat all this like a mantra to all that people that try to lecture me on how to feed my child, somehow I always get the feeling I’m doing something wrong, most of the time I end up doubting myself. It’s hard to feed her. It’s hard to make others understand her feelings about food. It’s important (at least for me) to read articles like yours, it gives me courage to carry on. Thank you again.
Thanks so much for your comment Alejandra. Judgement from others is more about THEIR issues, not yours. You know best how to feed your child.
Well, I started off with 2 very picky eaters and was faced with doing Pediasure. So.. I took my pediatricians advice and wrapped up the meal and gave it to them the next day. It took 24 hrs for them to eat it. Did it with both kids. I had to do this maybe 5 times a piece and it worked. I saved years of power struggles and unhealthy eating.
Both of my kids are adults and eat almost anything put before them. Neither of them are overweight either. They didn’t develop a high carb diet habit as a child because frankly, who wouldn’t rather eat corn, nuggets, pizza, ketchup, and Ranch dressing?
I disagree with your rotten fish analogy. Kids need to learn to eat a balanced diet. Rotten fish is very different from healthy, whole food. You are taking away years of nutrition by letting your child be in charge. Picky eaters are created by moms catering to them.
We lack the stomach to be the adult and act like the one in charge of our toddlers because there is so much legit child abuse.
I don’t agree with withholding food ever, but allowing only certain choices as a toddler is training a child to eat healthy.
Wow – I am going to have to respectfully disagree with your take on this.
You appear to be generalising from your sample of two and saying that because a certain approach worked for your kids, it will work for all kids. This is based on a lack of understanding of eating issues. Eating problems exist on a spectrum. Some kids are just a little picky and will naturally grow out of it. Approaches like re-presenting food may ‘work’ for these kids (I still don’t recommend it though – see my post on this entitled ‘My child left their ENTIRE meal! Should I serve it again?’).
For other children, their food anxiety is so extreme that it has a major impact on their day to day functioning. Many of these children have sensory issues – this is where my rotten fish analogy comes in: I am trying to illustrate just how hard it is for some children to tolerate the smell, taste, texture or look of non-accepted foods. I am trying to foster empathy by using an analogy which is extreme! Refusing food for a child who has a (often very physical) strong reaction to it, is not a choice that they need to be ‘trained’ out of. Neither is it bad behaviour that they need to learn to stop doing. It is an involuntary reaction. They can’t help it. The way forward for them is a gentle one, and an approach based in compassion, not relying on power over them as adults.
Most of the families I work with tell me their kids would dearly love to be able to eat more foods but it’s just too hard. Read my post ‘Leah’s story’ to get some insight into this.
I am so upset to read your statement: “picky eaters are created by moms catering to them”. As a doctoral researcher who has spent years reading studies into picky eating, I can tell you that there are many, many contributing factors. Many of them are genetic. Just take a look at all the families where there are more than one child – raised the same – but one is picky and the other isn’t. Blaming parents comes from ignorance about the complexity of childhood eating behaviours.
I also entirely reject your claim that I argue for the child to be in charge! If you knew my work, you’d soon see I advocate a high structure, high warmth, responsive approach, where parents choose what is served and when, and kids can make their choices in the context of these foods at these times. This fits with Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility model – an approach advocated by the vast majority of specialists in this area.
I feel that your comment is extremely judgemental of all the amazing families out there working so hard to support their children’s eating, and all the kids struggling with food on a daily basis.
[…] The Worst Advice on ‘Picky Eating’ by Jo Cormack. Oh, I’ve heard all of this, and I believed it, too! Ugh. Logan Max never did follow these myths of “he’ll eat when he’s hungry” or “he’ll grow out of it.” Advice like “make him sit there until he eats it” resulted in real anxiety and tears. I wish I’d found this article twelve years ago. […]
This was so good for me to read. Our 11 year old son is very selective and it is stressful when people don’t understand the struggles.
Thanks for commenting Lesa, I’m really glad you found the article useful. Yes, it is super stressful when people don’t understand!
I have been told for years that my now 11 year old son will “grow out of it’. He has not, and it’s very stressful. He will not eat meat at all. Has to be in the mood for veggies, but loves fruit and pasta.
Hi Nancy, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with this. Check out the (free) learning units in my facebook group ‘Parenting Picky Eaters’
Thank you so much for collating this. It drove me mad when I got told ” no child ever starved themselves” I could see the panic and literal fear in my child’s face when faced with food he felt unable to eat. Everyone presumes that if it worked for their kids it must work for others (hence the host of ridiculous parent manipulating cook books out there!). Reading this has really made me feel better.xx
Hi Jenni,
It’s made my day that this post made you feel better. This is literally why I write for parents. You know your child best and nothing anyone else says should override your intuition x