Getting R.E.A.D.Y. for mealtimes

As we move through our day, we make many transitions, some small, others bigger. We go from work to home, from time with friends to time with the children, from ‘busy’ mode while we tidy up at the end of the day, to ‘relaxed’ mode, maybe catching up on a box set with a glass of wine. Most of this happens seamlessly and we’re not conscious of shifting from state to state. We just get on with it. For young children – and some older ones – transitions can be tricky. This is especially true for children with autism or ADHD. If we chuck feeding problems into the mix, it’s easy to see that transitions to mealtimes may be particularly challenging. 

Let’s take a peek at what a typical transition might look like: maybe you are taking care of the baby and simultaneously trying to prepare a meal. Let’s imagine your older child has a football practice to get to, so you’re feeling rushed. You somehow manage to keep the baby happy and get the food on the table and you shout upstairs to your older child: (who has been watching TV) “Dinner’s ready!”

Nothing happens. No pitter patter of eager feet descending the stairs. You start to feel annoyed because time is of the essence. So you shout again, and then go up to see what your child is doing. He’s still watching TV, so you tell him that he has to turn it off and come straight down to eat. By the time he’s sitting at the table, the baby’s crying, you’re frustrated and he is sitting with his head in his hands saying all the food looks “yuck”. 

This is an example of a child left entirely alone with a transition. It is also an especially challenging transition, because this little boy is not a fan of eating and is a big fan of TV. As parents, it can be so hard just juggling all the practical stuff: keeping everyone fed, getting to places on time… that we can miss the psychological side of things. I am all about embracing ‘good enough’ and this is not another stick to beat parents with (I’ve been that person looking after young kids and doing my very best to keep all those plates spinning). I am just inviting you to think about transitions and look at whether there is any scope for some small changes that may have a big impact.

What contributes to a successful transition?

Use my R.E.A.D.Y. method to support your child’s transitions to meal and snack time

Rituals

Engagement

Activity planning

Count Down

You choose

Rituals are familiar routines that help signal that the next activity is imminent. If you provide your child with familiar cues, this will help them mentally prepare for what is to come. Some of my favourite pre-meal rituals are hand-washing, playing (or singing) a special ‘mealtime’ song or getting your child to help with setting the table in an age appropriate way. 

Engagement is about connection. It is what is missing when we shout up the stairs! The difference between calling your child from another room versus walking over to where they are, getting down to their level, getting eye contact and speaking to them when you have their attention, is maybe two minutes of your time but is huge in terms of how effectively you are able to communicate. Add in a couple of minutes of interest in what they are doing and the engagement increases even more. It becomes a totally different type of interaction. 

Activity planning means being mindful of what your child is doing in the run-up to meals. Sometimes, outdoor, physical activity can be a wonderful way to help with preparing a child for a meal . Maybe a quiet activity that they can finish in the allotted time, would be nice too. If you can make time for a ten minute game with you, this will help no end: let’s imagine your child is playing with lego. You sit down with them – tell them you have ten minutes before the food is ready, and you’d love to make a house together. Then you bring the activity to close naturally, by the end of that ten minutes. This leaves you in a great position to go together to sit down at the table. Plus, all that positive attention reduces the likelihood of your child using their eating as an unhealthy way to engage with you during the meal. 

I recommend that you avoid screen time in the half hour before meals. It’s super stimulating so it makes eating harder. It is very absorbing and easy too, so it is a big ask to expect your child to walk away from it to a less preferred activity. And I know how I would feel if I was in the middle of an episode of my favourite TV programme when someone made me come and do the washing up, or another activity that I’d rather avoid! Not impressed. It can seem like screen time buys you the time and space you need to get food prepared, but if you can cope without it, it will pay dividends. 

Count down is an alternative to springing the transition on your child, who may well be in their own little world. Give them some warnings so that they can predict what will be happening and when. Maybe you could set a beeper or use a sand timer to signify ‘ten minute warning’. Maybe you could come and give them a couple of gentle verbal reminders while taking an interest in their play. For older children, make sure they have a clock they can see, and tell them what time their meal will happen, keeping it at the same time most days, if possible. Pre-meal rituals aid the count down too, because you can say “in two minutes, it will be time to wash your hands” – much gentler than just telling them they need to be at the table… now!

You  choose means bringing in an element of manageable choice, which will help your child feel in control, rather than swept up in external organisation of their day. A sense of powerlessness leads children to find other ways to take power… often in a way that is not constructive. Equally, excessive choice is overwhelming. Perhaps say, “you have twenty minutes until we eat. Would you rather play in the garden or draw a picture?”  Or: “We are going to eat soon. Do you want to help me in the kitchen or play in your room until the food is ready?” If they choose the latter, they know that what they are doing is ‘playing until the food is ready’. They are already cued, they are already counting down. 

What film is on?

I heard an interview with a relationship therapist once. Sorry – I can’t remember their name so I can’t credit them – if you know who said this, please comment! They used the metaphor of each of us running our own film (movie). If I am gardening, that is my film. I am absorbed in what I’m doing, my attention is on gardening. Your film may be focused on coming to speak to me about an argument we have had. This is pressing for you – it is the focus of your attention. You have a choice. You can come up to me as I’m gardening, slam my film off, and start playing your film, talking about our argument. Or, you can acknowledge that I am watching a different film, you can say: I see that you’re gardening – I need to talk about our argument, when would be a good time? Now, or later?  Having our films abruptly turned off (or the channel suddenly changed, to extend the metaphor) leaves us feeling irritated and on the back foot.

This came to mind in relation to transitions to mealtimes because it’s about acknowledging our kids’ films. Our film is: ‘get food on the table, get everyone eating’. Their film is: ‘I am building a space ship out of a shoe box and journeying to Mars’. We need to help them gently turn their film off, so that they sit down at the table feeling prepared and in control, as opposed to angry, rushed and out of control.