Autonomy is freedom. Freedom to make our own choices about what we do; freedom to say ‘no’, and have that heard. Giving children autonomy around food matters because without it, their relationship with food can become about personal power or defending themselves from doing things they don’t want to do. Autonomy is one of the core values of Responsive Feeding Therapy, a holistic approach to feeding challenges that prioritises the feeding relationship. 

Having grappled with all the challenges that come with raising three children, I can confidently say that parenting is a tricky business. We need to provide a degree of structure and keep our children safe, but we also want them to grow up to be competent, secure adults who can make independent decisions and thrive without us. What a line to tread! 

Autonomy in the context of structure

Diana Baumrind, who explored different styles of parenting, found that where people were able to parent with a high degree of warmth and connection, but were also able to establish a clear and consistent structure, children did best. This is termed an authoritative parenting style. Contrast this with an authoritarian style (lots of rules but little warmth and attunement) or a permissive style (plenty of warmth but low structure and expectations). 

Autonomy-supportive parenting involves giving children the freedom to make their own decisions in the context of an authoritative approach to parenting. So rules are clear, consistent and fair and parents are warm, attuned and able to provide unconditional love. No-one is perfect, so these things are aspirations rather than what happens day in day out. We all have off days, and that’s okay too. 

Autonomy and eating

Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in feeding  (sDOR) is a very useful approach to thinking about your feeding role. It will help you feed your child in a way that is autonomy-supportive. With sDoR,  your job is to decide what is served, where and when (the structure) and your child chooses how much (and whether) they want to eat from the foods provided (autonomy). There is much written online about sDOR and it is not the purpose of this article to explore it in depth. What I want to look at is WHY giving children autonomy is so important: 

The Three C’s of Eating Autonomy

Control

If children are allowed to make their own eating decisions, they feel in control. No-one is telling them that they have to have one more bite of chicken before they get dessert. A child who feels out of control because they are being pressured to eat or try foods, will need to take back some control as a way of coping. This may take the form of clinging with force to a short list of accepted foods. 

Curiosity

Intrinsic motivation is central to Responsive Feeding Therapy. Unlike many practitioners, I don’t recommend that parents encourage children to engage with foods at mealtimes, even in low-pressure ways. My goal for families is that children feel relaxed enough to initiate food interactions themselves, out of pure, authentic curiosity. A child whose autonomy is compromised is not a curious child. A sniff of the noodle because the child was wondering how it smelled is worth a thousand sniffs because a parent ‘got’ them to do it.

Calm

If a child is feeling stressed or anxious, this will have a huge impact on their confidence and desire to explore foods. Worry can heighten sensory sensitivity, so a child may really struggle with the smells, textures, appearance and taste of their food. Similarly, hypervigilance is that ‘on guard’ state that comes with anxiety. If a child is repeatedly pressured to eat or try things, this can make them stressed and worried before they even sit down to meals so they arrive at the table in ‘high alert’ mode. By respecting their autonomy at EVERY meal and snack, we can slowly help them feel more relaxed around food and more able to tolerate small differences in flavour, appearance and texture.

Making a change

Giving your child mealtime autonomy sounds really simple, but it is incredibly difficult to do, especially if you are worried about their weight, growth or nutritional status. Fundamentally, you need to stop trying to get them to eat*. This means exploring any health concerns to establish if they are valid or not. It also means no mealtime encouragement, prompting, incentivising or praising. If you feel that this is something you’d like to try but you think you’ll need some help doing it, look for a responsive feeding professional, who will be able to coach you through it and help you with referrals to other professionals if there are any other underlying issues impacting your child’s eating. It’s not an easy road, but it is one worth taking. 

 

*Please note: This is in the context of providing appropriate meals and snacks at appropriate intervals, always making sure you include some accepted foods at every eating opportunity.